Ten Types ofFacebookers
Facebook ranks as one of the
biggest influences of soft-
technology on society in the
recent past. What began as an
innocent attempt to be a social
networking site is now a societal phenomenon whose impacts are
as wide as they are deep. It has
created life-long friendships and
marriages, and yet still
destroying them with the same
intensity. It reduces our work- place productivity by almost half
and keeps us in touch with all
the gossip, innuendo, truths and
half-truths about our friends
and acquaintances. Who’ s in and who’ s out, who’ s down and who’ s not, it tells us all. Facebook is just but another
necessary evil in society, like
prostitution and alcoholism, and
as we marvel and sneer at it,
we cannot help but identify that
with it has come online personas that are just as much reflective
of an individual as real life
meetings are. Let’ s look at them. These are, in my opinion,
the ten most common personas
on Facebook. THE ATWOLI FACEBOOKER
Atwoli has commented on your
status! Atwoli likes your status!
Atwoli likes your relationship
status! Atwoli commented on
your wall post! This type of Facebooker comments on all
issues, like Atwoli comments on
all issues. From when goats in
Western Kenya give birth to
four kids at once to when
Obama goes to the loo, Atwoli comments. And this Facebooker
is no exception. He comments on
everybody’ s wall, photo and status update. Cannot keep to
himself and his own wall. May be
reflective of an internal
shortcoming, perhaps? While this
person may be helpful at times,
giving his not-so-golden chains of comments all the time is
downright irritating. You all know
of a character or two, right? THE INSECURE IDIOT
Insecurity comes in all shapes
and sizes, just like women and
love. This one is so obsessed
with updating his “profile update” and if in two minutes no one has commented, he goes
on to change it. If no one
comments, he will like and unlike
his update severally and
comment on it till it is full, of his
own ideas and ego. Look at a status update that says…so and so commented on their status
“a moment ago”… and they always remain” a moment ago”. Never lasts for a day or two or
three. Simply shows a person so
insecure inside, a person looking
for acceptance and love on the
web. Soft-love. While they can
be sources of fun and entertainment, at times, this
type too remains a bother and
disaster to your notifications
area. Never mind the fact that
what they update people about
range from their (non)-existent love lives, parents, school,
church, clubbing, parties and
colour of inner clothing to
graduation ceremonies and
deaths and weddings. Never
knows what to say, when and where. THE FACEBOOK FOSSIL
Dead and gone. His ideology is
the exact anti-thesis of the
insecure idiot upstairs. Updated
their status when they first
joined Facebook and left it so, for years down the line. And
usually, the updates they first
posted on Facebook are
downright stupid, after some
time. Take John for example,
whose status has always been: “John is walking.” Weird, huh? Johnny walker was introduced
to Facebook, told to walk, and
has been walking ever since, 3
or 4 years down the line! Well,
as much as the Johnny type
does not really interfere with the lives of others, they are
seriously wasting valuable time
walking, and worse, wasting
valuable Internet space! THE GOSSIP GIRL
Some girls argue that boys have
embraced the art of gossip just
as much as girls have perfected
it. This is beyond arguable. While
girls gossip, boys simply talk in private, right? Anyways, this
type of Facebooker is
interesting. Always talking of
inboxes when you write on her
wall. And actually, leave most of
us wishing that inboxes were accessible and public! She starts
a nice story on your wall,
comments on it twice, and the
third comment is always, check
your inbox! Leaves those
eavesdroppers yearning for access to others’ inboxes. Way to go girl! THE SOCIALITE
This type is scary. She has up
to 400 unknown friends, and she
too is unknown. Her relationship
status is always engaged or
married, and every two or three hours, she ends her
“marriages” and “engagements” and is usually quick to get hitched again. She
flirts, seduces and almost gets in
the sack, all online! The
temptress I say, and she has
many “suitors” and husbands, and the man she is now married
to is not her husband! This type
is scary and whether they are
actual persons or just mere
fun-seekers is not clearly
defined. Thinks Facebook is an online version of Luthuli or
Koinange! THE WANNA-BE
This type too, like the socialite,
has many unknown friends. One
defining factor for this persona
is her profile pic. If not Beyonce
or Rihanna, she has a sex symbol as her picture and
sounds just like the “perfect” girl you can bump into online.
You know several of them right?
Right. And men are always
asking for her photo, but she is
always quick to divert the line
of conversation or ignore it, nevertheless. Another hidden
persona in the vast world of
Facebookers. Not the type to
get engaged or married online.
She is always young and single,
has the “right” taste of music, programs and updates her
status in a lady-like manner.
Until recently, this category has
been exclusively female. Men are
fast joining this scrimmage with
weird profile pics and hip-hop lingo! This is not to say that all
weird profile pics represent a
wanna-be Facebook persona, no. THE CAMPAIGNER
Also called the dreamer. Has a
politically motivated profile
picture. Usually, the “victims” use photos of Parliament, State
House or Capitol Hill. The
“humanitarian and humble of the dreamers” use pictures that inspire empathy and pity, in
a bid to establish themselves as
servants of the people. Talk of
Muthurwa, Kibera and Darfur,
their profile pics are disturbing
and whether or not they are as humane as they claim in a
thousand words is unknown. This
type nurse political ambition, real
and imagined and whether they
implement them, time will tell.
This type also comments on all political issues and claims to be
in touch with Baba Fidel and
Mama Jimmy and as such, will
easily be among the witnesses
present at The Hague and TJRC
hearings. Also claims to own a very small piece of land in
Migingo and will deal with anyone
who claims that fishing gem. A
very entertaining brand of
Facebookers these are. THE FORCEOSIS FACEBOOKER
Forceosis is a Facebook disease
or disorder, which causes people
to force themselves onto the
lives of others, by force and
any other means necessary. This type is your “friend” by all means. Have never introduced
themselves to you and you
cannot remember having met
them. But they claim to be your
best of friends and seek to
indulge you in all sorts of discussions, personal and
otherwise. Almost borders
stalking and can get quite
disturbing if not treated early.
While Facebook is a social
networking site and its purpose, quintessentially, is to connect
people and keep them in touch,
the Forceosis sufferers take
“meeting-people” a tad into extremism. THE PHANTOM GROUPERS
Well, like the Phantom, we never
know what they will use
Facebook for. From selling wares
and business plans to seeking
votes for student councils and conducting online-diss sessions
(mchongoano), to advising the
public, preaching and writing on
issues, this is by far the biggest
group of Facebookers. Some of
them teach you how to kiss and how to dress to church while
some are formed to give all
those who hated prefects in
high school a voice. Some seek
to inform, some to educate,
some to hate, some to kill, no one knows what group is coming
next. Some are just crazy,
claiming to be claiming Migingo
back through Facebook and
fighting an online war with the
Mungiki! So much with the Facebook pen being more
powerful than the Mungiki
swords! Anyway, some of these
groups are genuine and
important, like a million
supporters for Wenger and Arsenal (which is the only
Premier League soccer club with
a Swahili name-Arsenali), and as
such must be supported and
perpetuated. THE STONE-AGE FACEBOOKER
Most of us started here, or are
here. This is the real user of
Facebook and simply uses it to
connect to friends and family
and meet new people. This type updates status once in a while
and knows when and on what
to comment. At least every one
has had a stint as a Stone-Age
Facebooker or is still one. Way
to go. Whatever kind of Facebooker
you are, enjoy! “There is a thin line between truth and fiction. This is that
line”
biggest influences of soft-
technology on society in the
recent past. What began as an
innocent attempt to be a social
networking site is now a societal phenomenon whose impacts are
as wide as they are deep. It has
created life-long friendships and
marriages, and yet still
destroying them with the same
intensity. It reduces our work- place productivity by almost half
and keeps us in touch with all
the gossip, innuendo, truths and
half-truths about our friends
and acquaintances. Who’ s in and who’ s out, who’ s down and who’ s not, it tells us all. Facebook is just but another
necessary evil in society, like
prostitution and alcoholism, and
as we marvel and sneer at it,
we cannot help but identify that
with it has come online personas that are just as much reflective
of an individual as real life
meetings are. Let’ s look at them. These are, in my opinion,
the ten most common personas
on Facebook. THE ATWOLI FACEBOOKER
Atwoli has commented on your
status! Atwoli likes your status!
Atwoli likes your relationship
status! Atwoli commented on
your wall post! This type of Facebooker comments on all
issues, like Atwoli comments on
all issues. From when goats in
Western Kenya give birth to
four kids at once to when
Obama goes to the loo, Atwoli comments. And this Facebooker
is no exception. He comments on
everybody’ s wall, photo and status update. Cannot keep to
himself and his own wall. May be
reflective of an internal
shortcoming, perhaps? While this
person may be helpful at times,
giving his not-so-golden chains of comments all the time is
downright irritating. You all know
of a character or two, right? THE INSECURE IDIOT
Insecurity comes in all shapes
and sizes, just like women and
love. This one is so obsessed
with updating his “profile update” and if in two minutes no one has commented, he goes
on to change it. If no one
comments, he will like and unlike
his update severally and
comment on it till it is full, of his
own ideas and ego. Look at a status update that says…so and so commented on their status
“a moment ago”… and they always remain” a moment ago”. Never lasts for a day or two or
three. Simply shows a person so
insecure inside, a person looking
for acceptance and love on the
web. Soft-love. While they can
be sources of fun and entertainment, at times, this
type too remains a bother and
disaster to your notifications
area. Never mind the fact that
what they update people about
range from their (non)-existent love lives, parents, school,
church, clubbing, parties and
colour of inner clothing to
graduation ceremonies and
deaths and weddings. Never
knows what to say, when and where. THE FACEBOOK FOSSIL
Dead and gone. His ideology is
the exact anti-thesis of the
insecure idiot upstairs. Updated
their status when they first
joined Facebook and left it so, for years down the line. And
usually, the updates they first
posted on Facebook are
downright stupid, after some
time. Take John for example,
whose status has always been: “John is walking.” Weird, huh? Johnny walker was introduced
to Facebook, told to walk, and
has been walking ever since, 3
or 4 years down the line! Well,
as much as the Johnny type
does not really interfere with the lives of others, they are
seriously wasting valuable time
walking, and worse, wasting
valuable Internet space! THE GOSSIP GIRL
Some girls argue that boys have
embraced the art of gossip just
as much as girls have perfected
it. This is beyond arguable. While
girls gossip, boys simply talk in private, right? Anyways, this
type of Facebooker is
interesting. Always talking of
inboxes when you write on her
wall. And actually, leave most of
us wishing that inboxes were accessible and public! She starts
a nice story on your wall,
comments on it twice, and the
third comment is always, check
your inbox! Leaves those
eavesdroppers yearning for access to others’ inboxes. Way to go girl! THE SOCIALITE
This type is scary. She has up
to 400 unknown friends, and she
too is unknown. Her relationship
status is always engaged or
married, and every two or three hours, she ends her
“marriages” and “engagements” and is usually quick to get hitched again. She
flirts, seduces and almost gets in
the sack, all online! The
temptress I say, and she has
many “suitors” and husbands, and the man she is now married
to is not her husband! This type
is scary and whether they are
actual persons or just mere
fun-seekers is not clearly
defined. Thinks Facebook is an online version of Luthuli or
Koinange! THE WANNA-BE
This type too, like the socialite,
has many unknown friends. One
defining factor for this persona
is her profile pic. If not Beyonce
or Rihanna, she has a sex symbol as her picture and
sounds just like the “perfect” girl you can bump into online.
You know several of them right?
Right. And men are always
asking for her photo, but she is
always quick to divert the line
of conversation or ignore it, nevertheless. Another hidden
persona in the vast world of
Facebookers. Not the type to
get engaged or married online.
She is always young and single,
has the “right” taste of music, programs and updates her
status in a lady-like manner.
Until recently, this category has
been exclusively female. Men are
fast joining this scrimmage with
weird profile pics and hip-hop lingo! This is not to say that all
weird profile pics represent a
wanna-be Facebook persona, no. THE CAMPAIGNER
Also called the dreamer. Has a
politically motivated profile
picture. Usually, the “victims” use photos of Parliament, State
House or Capitol Hill. The
“humanitarian and humble of the dreamers” use pictures that inspire empathy and pity, in
a bid to establish themselves as
servants of the people. Talk of
Muthurwa, Kibera and Darfur,
their profile pics are disturbing
and whether or not they are as humane as they claim in a
thousand words is unknown. This
type nurse political ambition, real
and imagined and whether they
implement them, time will tell.
This type also comments on all political issues and claims to be
in touch with Baba Fidel and
Mama Jimmy and as such, will
easily be among the witnesses
present at The Hague and TJRC
hearings. Also claims to own a very small piece of land in
Migingo and will deal with anyone
who claims that fishing gem. A
very entertaining brand of
Facebookers these are. THE FORCEOSIS FACEBOOKER
Forceosis is a Facebook disease
or disorder, which causes people
to force themselves onto the
lives of others, by force and
any other means necessary. This type is your “friend” by all means. Have never introduced
themselves to you and you
cannot remember having met
them. But they claim to be your
best of friends and seek to
indulge you in all sorts of discussions, personal and
otherwise. Almost borders
stalking and can get quite
disturbing if not treated early.
While Facebook is a social
networking site and its purpose, quintessentially, is to connect
people and keep them in touch,
the Forceosis sufferers take
“meeting-people” a tad into extremism. THE PHANTOM GROUPERS
Well, like the Phantom, we never
know what they will use
Facebook for. From selling wares
and business plans to seeking
votes for student councils and conducting online-diss sessions
(mchongoano), to advising the
public, preaching and writing on
issues, this is by far the biggest
group of Facebookers. Some of
them teach you how to kiss and how to dress to church while
some are formed to give all
those who hated prefects in
high school a voice. Some seek
to inform, some to educate,
some to hate, some to kill, no one knows what group is coming
next. Some are just crazy,
claiming to be claiming Migingo
back through Facebook and
fighting an online war with the
Mungiki! So much with the Facebook pen being more
powerful than the Mungiki
swords! Anyway, some of these
groups are genuine and
important, like a million
supporters for Wenger and Arsenal (which is the only
Premier League soccer club with
a Swahili name-Arsenali), and as
such must be supported and
perpetuated. THE STONE-AGE FACEBOOKER
Most of us started here, or are
here. This is the real user of
Facebook and simply uses it to
connect to friends and family
and meet new people. This type updates status once in a while
and knows when and on what
to comment. At least every one
has had a stint as a Stone-Age
Facebooker or is still one. Way
to go. Whatever kind of Facebooker
you are, enjoy! “There is a thin line between truth and fiction. This is that
line”
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