dont marry,be happy

Okay, I have had enough, why
would a sane normal full-blooded
human get into an institution,
just like that? Institution is a
derogatory term in itself, used
to describe schools and mental asylums…oh, and marriage. Humans don’ t like institutions, they are forced into them. If
school was “optional”, professors would lead us all out
of them. And if insanity was an
option, mental institutions would
be empty; and so would the
institution of marriage. Marriage is a thing whose time
is long gone. Like the diskette
or the douche bag, it is
cumbersome and even not to be
seen in public. All the terms
associated with marriage, perfectly describe it: tying the
noose; walking down the drain;
anniversaries remind me of
those pages at the back of the
newspaper, yeah…obituaries; and kids? My better half? Your
better-half suggests that you
are a half-headed moron walking
around at half capacity. Why marry? For companionship?
That’ s what dogs are for; and the Premier League. For
procreation? That term sounds
like what animals do, not
humans. Anyways, why would
any sane human bring any kids
into this world, it is already sad as it is. As Lemony Snicket put
it; Perhaps if we saw what was
ahead of us, and glimpsed the
crimes, follies, and misfortunes
that would befall us later on, we
would all stay in our mother's wombs, and then there would be
nobody in the world but a great
number of very fat, very
irritated women. And just to add marital insult to
the institutional injury, marriage
is the only reason for divorce.
So, if you are yet to be
institutionalized, be sure not to
be in one of these houses: The Poultry House
This type of marriage has a
pecking order where one of the
spouses, usually the wife,
henpecks the husband, especially
if she has a well paying job with more perks than him and still
has a firm and perky bosom
that can attract other cocks to
the poultry house. So, if you
marry a woman who has been
subjected to chauvinistic bullying and subjugation and she starts
earning more than you, be sure
your power or crow in the
house will most likely be gone,
even if you are still the cock of
the poultry house. If you are already in a poultry house, look
for chick(s) and fly away to a
new nest. This type of marriage
is also called the bakery; when
the chick goes against the grain
and atypically becomes the sole breadwinner and all the man is
subject to is having his ego
baked. The Emergency Room
This is marriage gone awry;
occurs when a couple, or one of
the spouses, usually the
innocent wife, spends more time
at the hospital emergency room than in their marital bed. It is
sometimes easy to see a couple
in this phase of marriage, as the
wedding bands give way for
band-aids and bandages. So
after the spouses get into a physical fight, you wonder what
the heck they are still doing
together, right? Apparently, this
marriage has a good end
product, make-up sex. And after
the sex, a fight breaks out, and at the end of the fight, they
make-up their faces and smile all
the way to the emergency
room. Woe unto you if you
marry a Kisii or a Luhya amazon,
they’ ll beat the make-up out of your face and take you to
the police station, not the
emergency room. Moral of the
story: choose your fights, not
only wisely, but also wifely. (sic) The Pyramid Scheme
This is a classic
marital fairy tale; happy ever
after? Not at all. It isn’ t happy; and there’ s never laughter. In this house, you live to work and
you work to live. All your life
savings are spent taking care of
your spouse. If not working for
the house she wants, you are
working for the car he wants. Woe unto you if both of you are
hitting your mid-life crises at
the same time; picture this, the
wife wants a boob job and the
husband wants so many new
cars, so many the milky way can’ t match. Lady, do you buy yourself a new chest or empty
your chest for his new cars? Or,
you get divorced and you end
up with nothing, after investing
your whole life to a liar, a cheat
or a pervert who can’ t keep his hands to himself. This is when
a pre-nup comes in handy. But
why wait for such drastic
consequences? A pre-nup is
your signature to a Ponzi
scheme, only that in this case Charles Ponzi is your spouse. The Kindergarten Do your kids a favor - don't
have any; that I stole from
Robert Orben. But if you already
do, you probably live in this
house. What with diapers, food
that looks it came from the gut, your shelves unlevel, and
yourself disheveled? Kids bring
out the best in your temper
and the worst of your patience.
And I overheard, that spending
a day with your kids is the best contraceptive. How true? Who
wants a smaller version of
themselves running around
causing second hand havoc after
all the damage you have done
to this pretty world? You are bad enough, another of you?
Really? No, just spare us and
yourself the agony. And after
you take care of them, you
send them to school, then they
bring you worse grades than you made in your heydays…then you are forced to perpetuate
the timeless lie: “I was always first in my class.” Yeah right! I sound pessimistic, don’ t I? Perhaps I am one of those
cynical, lonely and unmarried
idiots; but I am pretty convinced
of these haunted houses. But it
is indeed a sight to behold,
watching a couple that has been married sixty years or more,
drooling together on the porch
of a nursing home, their kids
counting the days to their
inheritance. How sad?! Disclaimer: Perhaps I need a
disclaimer that I am not being
serious as I write this; just in
case in the future I lose my
head and start seeking a better
half. ;-) Happy Halloween and I hope I scared you stiff. With a chauvinistic touch,
Yours truly. There is a thin line between
truth and fiction, this is that
line.