my idiomatic wife
I am so sore and in pain, I can’ t even use my hands. Yesterday’ s events are at my finger tips, I
remember clearly what
happened. I came home late last
night. It has been long since I
came home early. Well, I am a
truck driver, always been. I work for a delivery company
and depending on what my boss
decides, I deliver an assortment
of goods. This year, again, I am
delivering blue balls to the coast
for the annual water polo festivals. I used to deliver the
blue balls in peace, until my wife
decided she will also give me
blue balls for the rest of my life.
Although it is a once in a blue
moon event, I had to change my job. I have been delivering blue balls
for a long time but nowadays, I
deliver lemons. I’ d rather deliver balls than lemons, for lemons
bring rats to my truck and my
wife doesn’ t like to smell rats. But even though I deliver blue
balls, I still get into the sacks of
lemons once in a while. When life
gives you lemons, you make
lemonade. I deliver so many
lemons, but I have so little juice. Life gave me many lemons but I
haven’ t made lemon juice. Only my wife knows how to get my
juices flowing, anger juice! My
wife has been able to get my
anger juices flowing whenever
she talks about how bitter she
is that our marriage is on the rocks. What do you expect when
we stay on a mountain-side?
And what kind of marriage do
you expect when you husband
delivers lemons, if not a bitter
and sour one? My marriage has been in the
woods and out but this time, it
didn’ t make it out. Okay listen to this, a few years ago, it was
our wooden wedding anniversary
and I got my wife two fiddles
for our anniversary. She played
the first one and I played the
second one. Since then, I have been playing that second fiddle. I
believe you should chase your
dreams; however, if your dreams
have anything to do with a wife,
kindly stop. Please, do not chase
the homely fantasy of love that goes down an aisle, ties a knot
and builds a home. Instead,
you’ ll be going down the drain and you’ ll tie the noose. Love maybe, marriage no! I learnt the
hard way in my wooden house
of hardknocks. So, my wife is as strong as a
racehorse and after all these
years of marriage, she looks like
one. This horse treats me like a
domestic animal, because she is
one. Sometimes I get so angry that I wish I could eat the
horse, but I am a humble person
so instead, I eat the humble pie.
I have to take instructions from
the horse’ s mouth. She never appreciates my services so
instead of giving me my rights,
she fed me on leftovers and
that was when I left this horse
and went for the other whores. Sometime back, we were in love,
or that’ s what we thought. So, I bought a house for her, a
bucket, a hatchet for security,
a teapot for the coffee, a dog
and a cat…you name it! A pretty decent house with a big back
yard, though it is wild and
bushy. In retrospect, everything
I bought to cement our marriage
ended up working against me. A fool and his honey are soon
parted, I was taught that the
hard way. I cannot remember
how or where I met her, but
our marriage has had its ups
and downs…the ups? When she got a boob job and it didn’ t take much to get me up. Now,
the silicon valley is down and
not fun anymore. That’ s the down and why I am always
down. After the blue ball
episodes, I decided to pull some
strings, G Strings. So, I cheated
on my wife, a couple of times. I
did not mean to, I was forced to. So, last night I came home late.
As usual, my wife was asleep.
Even though I haven’ t been to church since we were down the
aisle, I thanked the Heavens.
After a night with the Devil’ s drink, the last thing I needed
was playing the Devil’ s advocate to a human devil,
explaining where I was and what
I was not doing. I threw my
clothes into a bin, because
every time I came home late she
smelt a rat. I changed into my pajamas, and took forty winks
for like a thief, it was my
fortieth day and time to be
caught. She caught me the
following morning and made me
red-handed. So she wakes me up by pouring
cold water on me, and makes
one wet blanket. I had to get
up and nope, I did not smell any
coffee. First she orders me to
boil a kettle quickly; I try to. But she was watching the kettle
keenly, so it took much longer
than usual to boil. She orders
me to put a bucket close to the
door to the backyard and fill it
with hot water. What is this woman up to? I oblige. Next she
orders me to get the eggs and
set the table for breakfast.
Again, I oblige. Why did I wish for
this horse of a wife? Well, if
wishes were horses, beggars would…I don’ t ride. I pick a basket and run to the grocery
store with her list and my cat’ s and dog’ s lists. Even though back at home it’ s a dog’ s life for all of us, I still put my cat
before the horse. I shop quickly and run back
home. She is settling down for
breakfast when I enter, carrying
all the eggs in one basket. I trip
and fall and I drop everything in
my basket. Eggs, milk and the icing on the cake, I even spill
the beans. She stares at me
angrily and I wish I could hold my
horse but no, she shouts at me
and starts crying over the spilt
milk. Then I realize what she wants to do with the hot
water; to punish me! The horse
leads me to the water and
forces me to drink. I drink a
little. She is mad at me, so she
goes back to the bedroom to make the bed, and as she
makes it, so does she lie on it. I continue watching the cat and
dog playing outside. My cat,
which is fond of the birds and
bees, is stirring the hornet’ s nest today. Suddenly, the cat is
running round and round as a
swarm of wasps sting it
mercilessly. It disappears into the
bushes. I pick a hatchet and
beat around the bush. Once, twice…nine times! In my humane efforts, I kill my cat, nine times!
So I dig a hole to bury the
bloody hatchet and the cat,
little did I know that I was
digging my own grave. I see her
standing at the backyard door, staring at me. She saw me killing
the cat. With a smile, she says
she will take money from my
wallet to buy a new cat. I dare
not dismiss her word. I stay
outside. My dog is usually all bark and no bite but today I
see it playing around in a
snake’ s hole. Soon I see a snake that has lost its head in
the dog’ s mouth! I am tired of seeing all this, I run back inside
and in the process I almost kick
the bucket at the door. So I spend my life transporting
lemons with green backs, just
for my green bucks to be spent
on buying a cat! I am depressed
and pressed, so I go to the
toilet and deliberately leave the toilet seat down just to piss her
off. That’ s when it happened! I hear a scream! Oh no! I cheated
on her and left a pack of
condoms in my wallet pocket! Call
it a tale of two CDs. Before I
can run, she scalds my hands
with hot water! Luckily for me, her water bucket breaks and
she meets her Waterloo before
she kills me! In her berserk
moment, she slips and falls and
starts wailing and shouting
expletives and prayers at the same time. Blood starts flowing
and I become scared. I
experience my own mad moment
and kick the dying horse, very
hard. After a few moments, she
lies there, still and silent. I panic and start flogging the dead
horse, to no avail. That’ s when I decide to go AWOL…away with other ladies. It is said that
absence makes the heart grow
fonder, it is true. I am fonder of
my new ladies, than my wife. Oh,
and did I mention that the
condoms the horse found were Trojan? Yeah, the Trojan horse
felled my wife. "There is a thin line between
truth and fiction. This is that
line.
remember clearly what
happened. I came home late last
night. It has been long since I
came home early. Well, I am a
truck driver, always been. I work for a delivery company
and depending on what my boss
decides, I deliver an assortment
of goods. This year, again, I am
delivering blue balls to the coast
for the annual water polo festivals. I used to deliver the
blue balls in peace, until my wife
decided she will also give me
blue balls for the rest of my life.
Although it is a once in a blue
moon event, I had to change my job. I have been delivering blue balls
for a long time but nowadays, I
deliver lemons. I’ d rather deliver balls than lemons, for lemons
bring rats to my truck and my
wife doesn’ t like to smell rats. But even though I deliver blue
balls, I still get into the sacks of
lemons once in a while. When life
gives you lemons, you make
lemonade. I deliver so many
lemons, but I have so little juice. Life gave me many lemons but I
haven’ t made lemon juice. Only my wife knows how to get my
juices flowing, anger juice! My
wife has been able to get my
anger juices flowing whenever
she talks about how bitter she
is that our marriage is on the rocks. What do you expect when
we stay on a mountain-side?
And what kind of marriage do
you expect when you husband
delivers lemons, if not a bitter
and sour one? My marriage has been in the
woods and out but this time, it
didn’ t make it out. Okay listen to this, a few years ago, it was
our wooden wedding anniversary
and I got my wife two fiddles
for our anniversary. She played
the first one and I played the
second one. Since then, I have been playing that second fiddle. I
believe you should chase your
dreams; however, if your dreams
have anything to do with a wife,
kindly stop. Please, do not chase
the homely fantasy of love that goes down an aisle, ties a knot
and builds a home. Instead,
you’ ll be going down the drain and you’ ll tie the noose. Love maybe, marriage no! I learnt the
hard way in my wooden house
of hardknocks. So, my wife is as strong as a
racehorse and after all these
years of marriage, she looks like
one. This horse treats me like a
domestic animal, because she is
one. Sometimes I get so angry that I wish I could eat the
horse, but I am a humble person
so instead, I eat the humble pie.
I have to take instructions from
the horse’ s mouth. She never appreciates my services so
instead of giving me my rights,
she fed me on leftovers and
that was when I left this horse
and went for the other whores. Sometime back, we were in love,
or that’ s what we thought. So, I bought a house for her, a
bucket, a hatchet for security,
a teapot for the coffee, a dog
and a cat…you name it! A pretty decent house with a big back
yard, though it is wild and
bushy. In retrospect, everything
I bought to cement our marriage
ended up working against me. A fool and his honey are soon
parted, I was taught that the
hard way. I cannot remember
how or where I met her, but
our marriage has had its ups
and downs…the ups? When she got a boob job and it didn’ t take much to get me up. Now,
the silicon valley is down and
not fun anymore. That’ s the down and why I am always
down. After the blue ball
episodes, I decided to pull some
strings, G Strings. So, I cheated
on my wife, a couple of times. I
did not mean to, I was forced to. So, last night I came home late.
As usual, my wife was asleep.
Even though I haven’ t been to church since we were down the
aisle, I thanked the Heavens.
After a night with the Devil’ s drink, the last thing I needed
was playing the Devil’ s advocate to a human devil,
explaining where I was and what
I was not doing. I threw my
clothes into a bin, because
every time I came home late she
smelt a rat. I changed into my pajamas, and took forty winks
for like a thief, it was my
fortieth day and time to be
caught. She caught me the
following morning and made me
red-handed. So she wakes me up by pouring
cold water on me, and makes
one wet blanket. I had to get
up and nope, I did not smell any
coffee. First she orders me to
boil a kettle quickly; I try to. But she was watching the kettle
keenly, so it took much longer
than usual to boil. She orders
me to put a bucket close to the
door to the backyard and fill it
with hot water. What is this woman up to? I oblige. Next she
orders me to get the eggs and
set the table for breakfast.
Again, I oblige. Why did I wish for
this horse of a wife? Well, if
wishes were horses, beggars would…I don’ t ride. I pick a basket and run to the grocery
store with her list and my cat’ s and dog’ s lists. Even though back at home it’ s a dog’ s life for all of us, I still put my cat
before the horse. I shop quickly and run back
home. She is settling down for
breakfast when I enter, carrying
all the eggs in one basket. I trip
and fall and I drop everything in
my basket. Eggs, milk and the icing on the cake, I even spill
the beans. She stares at me
angrily and I wish I could hold my
horse but no, she shouts at me
and starts crying over the spilt
milk. Then I realize what she wants to do with the hot
water; to punish me! The horse
leads me to the water and
forces me to drink. I drink a
little. She is mad at me, so she
goes back to the bedroom to make the bed, and as she
makes it, so does she lie on it. I continue watching the cat and
dog playing outside. My cat,
which is fond of the birds and
bees, is stirring the hornet’ s nest today. Suddenly, the cat is
running round and round as a
swarm of wasps sting it
mercilessly. It disappears into the
bushes. I pick a hatchet and
beat around the bush. Once, twice…nine times! In my humane efforts, I kill my cat, nine times!
So I dig a hole to bury the
bloody hatchet and the cat,
little did I know that I was
digging my own grave. I see her
standing at the backyard door, staring at me. She saw me killing
the cat. With a smile, she says
she will take money from my
wallet to buy a new cat. I dare
not dismiss her word. I stay
outside. My dog is usually all bark and no bite but today I
see it playing around in a
snake’ s hole. Soon I see a snake that has lost its head in
the dog’ s mouth! I am tired of seeing all this, I run back inside
and in the process I almost kick
the bucket at the door. So I spend my life transporting
lemons with green backs, just
for my green bucks to be spent
on buying a cat! I am depressed
and pressed, so I go to the
toilet and deliberately leave the toilet seat down just to piss her
off. That’ s when it happened! I hear a scream! Oh no! I cheated
on her and left a pack of
condoms in my wallet pocket! Call
it a tale of two CDs. Before I
can run, she scalds my hands
with hot water! Luckily for me, her water bucket breaks and
she meets her Waterloo before
she kills me! In her berserk
moment, she slips and falls and
starts wailing and shouting
expletives and prayers at the same time. Blood starts flowing
and I become scared. I
experience my own mad moment
and kick the dying horse, very
hard. After a few moments, she
lies there, still and silent. I panic and start flogging the dead
horse, to no avail. That’ s when I decide to go AWOL…away with other ladies. It is said that
absence makes the heart grow
fonder, it is true. I am fonder of
my new ladies, than my wife. Oh,
and did I mention that the
condoms the horse found were Trojan? Yeah, the Trojan horse
felled my wife. "There is a thin line between
truth and fiction. This is that
line.
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