men wer dogs,then along came a tiger

(A really bad article from last
Christmas, when I decided to be
holier-than-thou and judge him,
I am allowed to for, I'm just a
man). Ordinarily, I do not believe in
coincidences. For example, it is
not just a random act of
linguistic mishap that black
Americans cavalierly call their
males dogs and their females bitches, not at all. Dogs have
become part of a man’ s everyday life, for security,
aesthetics, and much more. Last
year, one of the headaches of
Cousin Barry over at the White
House, apart from defending
himself from Raila’ s claims that they are cousins, was to get a
proper dog for his daughters
and the media at large. Prima
facie it sounds normal and
expected even, for a family
living the American Dream, to have a pet. But why did they
not choose a goat or even a
hog instead of a dog? There has
to be a reason. And why are
dogs a man’ s best friend? In Animal Farm, George Orwell
wrote of men and pigs, I write
of men and dogs. And to borrow
from Orwell; No question, now,
what has happened to the faces
of men. The women outside looked from dog to man, and
from man to dog, and from dog
to man again; but already it was
impossible to say which was
which. Believers in Darwinian
idiocy find a similarity between man and apes, I do not. I find
striking characteristics between
men and dogs, and if I were to
believe the theory of evolution, I
would instead use dogs as
man’ s ancestors and not some chest thumping gorillas instead. I
write as a woman, in dog
language, a bitch. I will bitch about other women
who carry dogs around. These
creatures are a man’ s best friend, we are not. Paris Hilton
and your ugly Chihuahua take
offence, carrying a dog around
is like a man carrying a vibrator,
it is just as loathsome as it is
unsightly. Just like their dog friends, men are always looking
for bitches, women of easy
virtue and hard sex, simple and
plain. Good girls are for the
house and the office party, oh
and the kids, or puppies. Dogs are dichromatic; they see
only two shades of color. This in
medical sense would be an
equivalent of red-green color
blindness in humans. But again,
this is not unlike men who only see two colors, food and sex. I
am sure it was a dog like man
who said that love is blind and
men just like dogs are partially
blind. They love you when you
cook for them, then they go blind. They gain their eyesight
for sex, and then go blind again. Even if a dog sticks to a bitch
for a while, it does so because
she usually has eight teats.
Interpretation to men? Well, the
last time I checked, a normal
woman had two teats, for a dog to get his usual eight, he needs
at least four women. It is no
surprise that Tiger Woods in all
his wisdom, or lack of it, had
more than eight mistresses, all
white I must add. That is why even I, the bitch think that
Tiger is a different kind of dog
than other men. We all know
this, the last time a woman
claimed to be a second lady, we
had a press conference and I saw a man lie that he has one
wife. Well, behind every
successful man there is one dear
wife, the other one is in Nyeri. Dogs are easily tractable and
once in a while exhibit flashes of
docility that are hard to
decipher if genuine or otherwise,
for the time being. Just like
their best friends, women believe they can tame men,
don’ t lie to yourself. They may be tame when the owner is
home, but that does not mean
they do not roam out of your
leash and unleash their animal
tendencies elsewhere. Talking of
wild traits, men eat like dogs; they do not care to save for
tomorrow. They eat with their
faces down, which shows that
they have forgotten about the
existence of the other persons
at the table. They look up after swallowing, or when they want
more. Convinced? Men also do
not care that you are from the
maternity or headed there, just
like their animal cousins, they
want food and sex, when they want it and where they want it. Sexual habits in animals vary
greatly, except when it comes
to dogs and men. Have you ever
seen the look of shame and
embarrassment on the bitch’ s “face” when two dogs get stuck in the act in a public
place? Or in front of other
dogs? When they finally manage
to break loose, the bitch runs
to the bushes or kennel to seek
face and solace, the dog stays outside and howls in a victorious
cry that in human language
were portrayed and said by
Caesar, “I came, I saw, I conquered”. Ladies, give sex to a dog and he will go ranting and
raving of how easy you were
and how lousy a lay you were. After breakups, especially in non
platonic relationships, the woman
cries herself to sleep, usually
she sleeps. Then she cries
herself to wake up and get
through the day. The man? The dog? He is usually counting his
blessings, one by one. Not even
stressed up, actually, glad that
things did not work out because
things were getting routine and
boring. As for Tiger Woods, he surpasses dog country and is at
a whole new level. Clinton
cheated with a white house
intern, Lewinsky; Wolfowitz, the
former World Bank president had
an affair with his secretary, and for Wanjala there was Sister
Akinyi, a businesswoman, of
sorts. But Tiger cheats on his
model trophy wife with cheap
porn stars, bartenders and
waitresses. Moral of the story? None. But we can force one. We
bitches are dumb that is why
we believe that since a man
cuts his hair well, goes for
manicure and puts on a
gentlemanly half-sweater and half-smile when playing golf, we
have tamed him. We are wrong. Finally, dogs sometimes conform
to the theory of mind, they
exhibit human tendencies. Men
too, exhibit some rudimentary
dog qualities. Psychology has
proven that dogs are intelligent, but not much. Dogs too lie, but
are not good at it. Find your
dog kissing another woman and
he will gladly say he was
whispering into her mouth or
that she was the one kissing him and not vice versa. Again,
dogs lack object permanence,
out of sight, out of mind.
Woman, when you take that
safari for further studies, so
has your man taken time to study another woman further,
usually. I hate to end my
bitching here, because I am a
man and it is a dog eat dog
world. I have to go feed, with
my face down and with two things on my mind. Remember all
those who live a dog’ s life out there, it is the season of giving.
We are human, not dogs. Merry
Christmas. There is a thin line between
truth and fiction, this is that
line.