love on wheels
What measures a man’ s success in today’ s world? I am not one of those people who have read
many self-help books and so I
will not start going all
philosophical and pull a Benny
Hinn on you by saying that
“personal satisfaction” is success. All those volumes upon
volumes of self-help books that
are sold professing contentment
as the key to “happiness” are pure crap; they simply are
taking advantage of man’ s insatiable desire for success to
achieve millions in book sales. What satisfaction is there in
sleeping in a shack and living in
squalor and filth when you could
be rolling and balling with the
high and mighty who have the
expensive pens that often sign above the line on cheques that
keep you below the poverty
line? Simply put, ask any
genuine, non-self-help book type
of man what their definition of
success is and 100% of the time you will find a mention of girls
and cars. However much they
sugarcoat their dreams by
saying family instead of “girl” and “means of transport” instead of car, bottom line is,
however rich you might be, if
you do not have a girl, or girls,
and car(s), you are considered
half a man, or maybe worse a
sissy. Trump has cars and a model
wife, Tiger had many white girls
and many cars too. Obama has
Michelle and the Cadillac, Mwai
has one dear wife, and the
other one, and several cars, and Wanjala has Akinyi, the other
ones and a convoy of cars that
could be substituted for one
proper car, and the list goes on
to infinity. Take a look at your
friends, relatives and prove me wrong if the ones who “drive” are not much more carefree and
easy with the girls than those
who literally run after girls,
makes sense, right? Right,
Mitsubishi is worth much more
than Foot-subishi. By “drive”, I mean a proper car, not a jalopy
that has no label and brand and
whose number plate is
handwritten or carved in wood! Often you have heard it said,
you are what you drive. Call me
a chauvinist pig but that is a
saying that is directed towards
the men. Look at car adverts
and you will find a striking similarity in all of them, they
tend towards being subtly erotic
in nature, if it’ s just me, pardon my moment of
perversion. Peugeot was
“engineered to be enjoyed”, Mazda, “zoom zoom”, some time back there was
“Mercedes-Benz over backwards for you” and later it changed to “Unlike any other”, Subaru was once “Driven by what’ s inside”, and later it was “when you get it, you get it” and for Jaguar was plain and
simple…” unleash a jaguar”. See what I mean? And even though I
was not there for the launch of
the Nyayo Pioneer Car, that
moved only two meters back to
the garage where it has been
since, it’ s logo would have followed suit…think of this, Nyayo Pioneer, “Maziwa ya Nyayo” or if Kibaki was there then, Nyayo Pioneer, “Pale Pale”. Pardon my (mis)imagination. Back in high school, the very
hilarious chaplain once asked all
the one thousand of us, “Have you noticed that when former
students come back, ten of
fifteen years later, they are
usually driving (expensive) cars,
and they always have nice
women by their sides?” Such mass oriented questions often
presented us with a short
opportunity to shout all sorts of
jokes and intended-jokes and so
we did. After all the rumbling of
adolescent bass and the unlucky sopranos in the crowd and one
on stage, the reverend
continued…you do not have to be good looking to get a good
looking girl. Some of you, the
good looking ones will have an
easier chance… (laughter), then he pulled the shocker…that means some of you have to
work very hard to afford cars.
(Then reality dawned…and the laughter almost died). That was
a theory, but Hellon proved it
right, didn’ t he? Celebrity music videos, movies
and advertisements enhance this
façade too, and successfully so.
Legislators drive Passats (except
for the modest Bifwoli) and so
often, not far from K-Street, “pastors” drive cars too, not far from the Runda mansions,
placentas develop and
presidencies are conceived, all
because the cars are there, and
with that come the women.
Maybe, I am writing from a walker’ s perspective coz I don’ t “drive”, but certainly, there is some truth in this, is
there? And as I finally laid this piece of
boredom to rest, I read
something about women and
cars on the internet. Someone
claims that women do not
necessarily love men in cars as a show of materialism but, it is
rather the natural survival
instinct in them that drives
them towards men with cars,
since they think that they are
rich and thus, are more capable of taking care of them and their
children. Wait, but women do not
want kids nowadays, and with
the economic crunch, more guys
than ever are walking. Life is
unfair! "There is a thin line between
truth and fiction. This is that
line"
many self-help books and so I
will not start going all
philosophical and pull a Benny
Hinn on you by saying that
“personal satisfaction” is success. All those volumes upon
volumes of self-help books that
are sold professing contentment
as the key to “happiness” are pure crap; they simply are
taking advantage of man’ s insatiable desire for success to
achieve millions in book sales. What satisfaction is there in
sleeping in a shack and living in
squalor and filth when you could
be rolling and balling with the
high and mighty who have the
expensive pens that often sign above the line on cheques that
keep you below the poverty
line? Simply put, ask any
genuine, non-self-help book type
of man what their definition of
success is and 100% of the time you will find a mention of girls
and cars. However much they
sugarcoat their dreams by
saying family instead of “girl” and “means of transport” instead of car, bottom line is,
however rich you might be, if
you do not have a girl, or girls,
and car(s), you are considered
half a man, or maybe worse a
sissy. Trump has cars and a model
wife, Tiger had many white girls
and many cars too. Obama has
Michelle and the Cadillac, Mwai
has one dear wife, and the
other one, and several cars, and Wanjala has Akinyi, the other
ones and a convoy of cars that
could be substituted for one
proper car, and the list goes on
to infinity. Take a look at your
friends, relatives and prove me wrong if the ones who “drive” are not much more carefree and
easy with the girls than those
who literally run after girls,
makes sense, right? Right,
Mitsubishi is worth much more
than Foot-subishi. By “drive”, I mean a proper car, not a jalopy
that has no label and brand and
whose number plate is
handwritten or carved in wood! Often you have heard it said,
you are what you drive. Call me
a chauvinist pig but that is a
saying that is directed towards
the men. Look at car adverts
and you will find a striking similarity in all of them, they
tend towards being subtly erotic
in nature, if it’ s just me, pardon my moment of
perversion. Peugeot was
“engineered to be enjoyed”, Mazda, “zoom zoom”, some time back there was
“Mercedes-Benz over backwards for you” and later it changed to “Unlike any other”, Subaru was once “Driven by what’ s inside”, and later it was “when you get it, you get it” and for Jaguar was plain and
simple…” unleash a jaguar”. See what I mean? And even though I
was not there for the launch of
the Nyayo Pioneer Car, that
moved only two meters back to
the garage where it has been
since, it’ s logo would have followed suit…think of this, Nyayo Pioneer, “Maziwa ya Nyayo” or if Kibaki was there then, Nyayo Pioneer, “Pale Pale”. Pardon my (mis)imagination. Back in high school, the very
hilarious chaplain once asked all
the one thousand of us, “Have you noticed that when former
students come back, ten of
fifteen years later, they are
usually driving (expensive) cars,
and they always have nice
women by their sides?” Such mass oriented questions often
presented us with a short
opportunity to shout all sorts of
jokes and intended-jokes and so
we did. After all the rumbling of
adolescent bass and the unlucky sopranos in the crowd and one
on stage, the reverend
continued…you do not have to be good looking to get a good
looking girl. Some of you, the
good looking ones will have an
easier chance… (laughter), then he pulled the shocker…that means some of you have to
work very hard to afford cars.
(Then reality dawned…and the laughter almost died). That was
a theory, but Hellon proved it
right, didn’ t he? Celebrity music videos, movies
and advertisements enhance this
façade too, and successfully so.
Legislators drive Passats (except
for the modest Bifwoli) and so
often, not far from K-Street, “pastors” drive cars too, not far from the Runda mansions,
placentas develop and
presidencies are conceived, all
because the cars are there, and
with that come the women.
Maybe, I am writing from a walker’ s perspective coz I don’ t “drive”, but certainly, there is some truth in this, is
there? And as I finally laid this piece of
boredom to rest, I read
something about women and
cars on the internet. Someone
claims that women do not
necessarily love men in cars as a show of materialism but, it is
rather the natural survival
instinct in them that drives
them towards men with cars,
since they think that they are
rich and thus, are more capable of taking care of them and their
children. Wait, but women do not
want kids nowadays, and with
the economic crunch, more guys
than ever are walking. Life is
unfair! "There is a thin line between
truth and fiction. This is that
line"
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